A McCormick Week
by Flacks
Summary: A week in the life of Kenny McCormick. And his family.


Disclaimer: I own not South Park.

A McCormick Week

**X**

On Saturday afternoon, Kenny and Kyle found themselves alone in Kyle's house, playing 'Alien Zombie Ninjas vs. Vampire Werewolf Pirates' on his PlayStation.

"Where's Cartman?"

"He broke up with Wendy, so he's too busy avoiding her and acting like he doesn't care about her to come," Kyle said as an alien scum exploded with a roar on the screen.

"And where is Stan?"

"He heard Cartman and Wendy broke up, so _he _is too busy bumping into her randomly and acting like he doesn't care about her."

Kenny noted Kyle didn't sound too happy about it.

"Oh well," he shrugged. "Wendy and Cartman will be back together in a week."

"I don't know, it seems pretty serious this time."

Kenny raised an eyebrow. "wanna bet?"

"Hm?"

"I bet you 5 bucks that Cartman and Wendy will be back together by the end of this week."

Kyle studied him for a moment, before nodding grimly.

"It's a deal."

**X**

On Sunday, the McCormicks got a surprise visit from Kenny's cousin Erwin, Erwin's girlfriend Shelby, and Shelby's son Aaron. They asked if they could stay the night. Turns out Erwin's mother had been arrested for petty theft. Among other things.

"I told Carol to watch out for those hidden cameras," Stuart sighed and took a swig from his beer.

"Wait," asked Kyle after Kenny told him this. "You dad has a sister… whose name is Carol?"

Kenny nodded.

"Isn't that your mother's name?"

"Yes, so?"

Kyle shook his head.

*

A day has passed and Erwin hadn't shown any intentions of leaving. Carol (Kenny's mother, that is) didn't seem all too happy about it.

"Did ya talk to 'em?" she whispered to her husband that night, ignoring the fact that they were alone in the kitchen. He nodded.

"And?"

"They're staying here another night."

She folded her arms angrily. "I told ya to make 'em leave, and now they're stayin'?! We can't support 'urselves and you expect us to support them?!"

"Maybe we could support ourselves if you knew how to deal with money!"

"How can I deal with money when we don't have any?!"

"Hm," said Kevin, looking at the kitchen. "Mom and Dad are fightin' again. Wanna go watch?"

"Nah," said Kenny. "We can watch that all the time, but it's not every day that they let Bob Saget on 'Crazy with Motorcycles'. "

"True," said Erwin. Kevin shrugged.

**X**

When Stuart left home that night, he had a black eye, a busted lip and a few other stylish black and blue bruises. Carol walked up to her guests.

"Erwin, Shelby, ya can take Kenny's bed tonight. Kevin, yar sharing a bed with Aaron."

Kevin made a little sound of protest as he got off the couch.

"So where am I sleeping?" asked Kenny.

"On the couch."

Kenny scolded.

"And ya better get used to it," she told him after Erwin and Shelby left to their… err… his room. "'cos I've got a feelin' they'll be here for a _long_ time."

**X**

Kenny woke up twice that night. Once, when a series of moans and muffled cries came from his room (and he swore that if he finds one drop of icky stuff on his bed sheets there'll be hell to pay. HELL, I TELL YOU!), and twice, when his father came home, drunk, threw him off the couch and hoisted himself on it instead. He fell asleep right there, snoring loudly and obnoxiously, and Kenny got the feeling he would never be able to sleep as long as his cousin is visiting.

**X**

On Tuesday, Kenny was surprised when the first thing Stan told him was "I heard about your dad, dude. That's rough."

Kenny couldn't hide his confusion. "What the hell are you talking about, Stanley?"

"Oh yeah," Kyle joined. "My dad told my mom last night. Your dad got ganged up by Spanish- speaking Afro American…?"

"No, No, I heard they were Chinese speaking Native Americans."

"So which was it, Kenny?" Craig asked. Kenny stared at them blankly. The whole bus focused their attention on him.

"I think you all lost your god-damn minds."

"Nah-uh! I saw him last night, and he looked like crap!" Cartman said. Others nodded in agreement.

"That's because he had a fight with my mom again, you morons."

Silence fell on the bus. Someone made a low whistle.

"Your MOTHER did this to him?" asked Clyde. "Dude!"

"What the hell is your problem? This shit happens all the time."

"Well then," said Cartman. "Then either your dad is a pussy, or your mom has really big balls."

"Shut up, Cartman."

"Yeah," Wendy butted in. "Why is it so unbelievable that a woman is stronger than a man?"

"My mom is not stronger than my dad!"

"Shut up, ho! No one asked for your opinion!"

"Don't call her a ho, Cartman!"

"I don't need your help, Stan."

Kenny sunk back into his seat. This is going to be one long day.

**X**

He wasn't surprised to find Erwin in front of the TV when he got back home. Erwin, on the other hand, was more than surprised.

"Hey, Ken, Where've you been?"

Kenny raised an eyebrow. "School. And don't call me Ken."

"Oh, Hey, Kenny," Shelby walked out of the kitchen carrying two plates filled with yellow-ish gooey stuff. "Want something to eat? I found this frozen at the back of your freezer and cooked it up!"

"Err, no thanks, Shelby."

Even her cheerfulness and enthusiasm couldn't make him want to touch that stuff.

**X**

That night, Stuart came back from his nightly visit at the pub unusually early. Carol's brow furrowed with concern.

"What happened?"

"Nothing! God, woman, can't you leave me alone?" he walked out of the room hastily, making her even more confused than before.

Kenny cringed a little when the door closed shut behind him. He had a feeling he knew what's wrong.

"Great, dad is mad at mom again," said Kevin. "He'll probably act like a dillhole for a week again."

"Nah," said Kenny. "Give them a couple of days."

"Wanna bet?"

Kenny smiled. "Sure. How much?"

"Ten bucks. And I say it'll take them a week."

"Fine, Ten bucks. I give them until Friday."

They shook hands.

"Put me down on two weeks," said Aaron. Kenny hoped they will be long gone before that.

**X**

On Wednesday, Kenny died. Nothing too exciting. A Semi Trailer crushed him on his way to the bus stop. Damien was happy to see him again. Kenny wasn't. You'd think there was a little more in being the prince of darkness then lighting people's heads on fire and stalking John Lenon, but there really wasn't.

So when Kenny got bored and started sexually harassing the damned, Satan decided that maybe a little time in heaven would do him good. Kenny ran for his life when the Mormons asked him to help them write a musical numbers about how eating disorders can ruin your social life. Then he ran into Saddam Hussain.

Saddam promised him that if he'd help him with his little experiment, he would pay him nicely. Turns out all Saddam had are a few Burger King's coupons. Kenny was mad. The Iraqi dictator just told him to relax.

**X**

Kenny got back on Thursday, discovering that, really, nothing had changed. Stuart was still avoiding Carol, Erwin and Shelby were still doing the Dirty on his bed, Cartman still couldn't care less about Wendy, and Kyle was still trying to get Stan to get over himself. What a bore.

That Thursday night his heart shrank a little when he found his mother in the kitchen, with that pitiful look of her face that clearly stated she didn't know what's going on.

"Mom, you alright?" he asked. She snapped out of her thoughts.

"Oh. Yeah, yeah."

So Kenny decided to do his good deed of the day and made her favorite drink for her. He needed her to be a little intoxicated when he'll tell her the truth behind his father's behavior.

"I knew it was somethin' stupid like that," she said. "Thanks, Kenneh."

"Sure, Mom."

**X**

The next day, Friday, that is, Kyle bothered to remind Kenny that he only has one day, and things are still the same. He wasn't as happy as he should've been about getting 5 bucks.

"You'll be surprised," Kenny said. But he really was just creating a false sense of reassurance, because he didn't have a clue what's going on with Cartman and Wendy right now, and frankly, he couldn't care less.

**X**

That night, Carol stepped out to their messy back yard, where Stuart was sitting, drinking his cheap beer. She settled next to him.

"Stuart," she started gently. He grunted in response. "Stuart, look at me." he didn't. She threw her hands in despair. "Yer actin' like a child."

"Am not."

"Oh, come on, Stuart," she sighed. "Okay, know what? I know how to solve this."

"Hm?"

Now he looked at her. She folded her arms and a closed her eyes.

"What's that?" he asked.

"I'm giving you a free shot."

"What?"

"Come on, hit me," she said. "Right in the eye."

"I'm not going to hit you, Carol."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because," he took a swig from his beer. "I don't hit girls."

"Ya didn' have any problem doin' it before."

"That was different. That was self defense."

She sighed. "Okay, Stuart, so whaddya want me to do? What will make you talk to me again?"

He thought for a moment.

"I don't know."

They both sat in silence as Stuart finished the rest of the can and threw it aside.

"Hey," he asked. "Is there anything to eat around here?"

"I bought some cereal today."

"Lucky charms?"

"Captain crunch."

"Huh," he said. "Those are my favorite."

"I know."

They both smiled at each other before walking in.

**X**

"See? Told you. Now hand over the money."

Aaron and Kevin grunted before handing Kenny their bill. Kenny smiled slyly.

**X**

On Saturday, he was hardly surprised to see Cartman and Wendy together holding hands. Wendy sported both a new purse and a huge smile on her face. Cartman looked good enough to kill.

"How did you know?" asked Kyle as he handed him over the five bucks.

"It's a gift." Said Kenny, 25 bucks richer.

Later that day, Erwin, Shelby and Aaron left. The McCormicks were relived. Kenny took his money and put it to good use.

That is, buying new bed sheets, damnit.

**X**

A/N: Carol/Stuart is probably my favorite het couple ever. Reviews would be nice.


End file.
